It's Not Your Fault.

It's late. I'm up working on freelance projects and trying to get myself organized for tomorrow. Pretty standard. Well, I'm trying to pretend it's standard. 

It's not.

My heart hurts, and I've been in and out of pools of tears since earlier this evening. 

I've talked before about how I get attached to people who I don't know. 

This is different. This is beyond that. I did feel like I knew him. I grew up watching him. I wanted him to be part of my family. I wanted him to come make me laugh. I remember knowing who he was when I was a toddler. I remember knowing that he was funny, and I remember laughing at things that I was still too young to understand. 

But I did understand.

Anyway, I'm not ready to really write all of this out because it's late and I'm tired and it's all really raw. I feel like it shouldn't be because, again, total stranger, but it is still so raw. 

So, I'm just going to leave this and probably watch it 1,000 more times over the next week or month or year. I want to scream it so loud that I know he hears it. I want to believe that he can hear everything and he understands now. I want him to know that he is worth all of our love even though he's gone.

You were always deserving. You will always be deserving. You are and will always be enough.

It's not your fault. 

I'm not sure that it's hip to be square, kids. Today, it doesn't feel like it.