One Year

Since we decided that we wanted to start a family, I have been heard from numerous sources, both medical and anecdotal, that most couples get pregnant within a year. If you don't, then you should start seeking medical intervention to find out what the hold up is. 

I heard that there is a 20% chance of getting pregnant in any given month. 

I heard and read lots of other facts that were there to be a guideline for us as we embarked on this incredibly unknown journey. 

Well, it's been a year.

I'm no more pregnant today than I was then. We have some answers as far as why it's not working for us, but none of them are bolstering any confidence. In fact, they're pushing us farther away from optimism by the day. 

We have to start thinking about that word. That word that no happy couple thinks is them. That word that can't be me because I'm just too young. That word that doesn't mean anything to me because I'm the picture of health. 

The fucking word that I have been dreading but now, after a year, have to accept as one of the next possible realities. 

Infertility. 

There is a pretty good chance that it just won't happen for us.

We aren't at the point of wanting alternatives. We aren't looking at options yet. We aren't looking for treatments or miracle cures. 

We're just absorbing. 

And being angry. There is a lot of anger (at least on my part).

And as I feel like some days I'm just going to boil over with rage and start throat punching the universe, I'm also sitting here completely powerless. I feel like I can get everyone else's life in order, but mine will always been a disorganized train wreck of never getting what we want. I feel like it will always be a struggle because all we have known for the past 365 days is struggle. 

My husband tries to tell me that it could be worse and that there is so much good in our lives. I know he's right. It doesn't matter though. 

Most days I have peace, and I'm calm and easy going about it. I no longer regularly burst in to tears at another announcement of yet another beautiful baby. But on days like today, it still happens. 

Today, everything is raw. Everything is right at the surface. Everything is a reminder that we haven't and we might never.

Everything is everything all at once and sitting on my shoulders and reminding me that life may never be what I want.

I think I just have to get used to that feeling for a while.

So, here we go. 

It's hip to be square, kids.