I Wish

I wish I could be motivated to exercise.

I wish I could love it the way my friends who post pictures of their races finishes and beach bodies are able to love it.

I wish I wasn't too tired all of the time.

I wish there was a flip that I could switch where I don't have to shove myself to the gym every day and, instead, go because I enjoy it.

I do enjoy it for a few days when I start. Then I few days more once I'm there. Then something happens. I get injured or life gets in the way or something else pops up and just makes it so tough to get going. Last time it was a nasty bug that stole my energy for weeks. By the time it was gone, so was my resolve.

I want to be active. More than that, I want to want to be active.

More than that, I want to be motivated to do it and not have that motivation dwindle at the mere sight of a couch to nap on when I'm so damn mentally exhausted.

Can I have my teenage metabolism back, please?

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

One Year

Since we decided that we wanted to start a family, I have been heard from numerous sources, both medical and anecdotal, that most couples get pregnant within a year. If you don't, then you should start seeking medical intervention to find out what the hold up is. 

I heard that there is a 20% chance of getting pregnant in any given month. 

I heard and read lots of other facts that were there to be a guideline for us as we embarked on this incredibly unknown journey. 

Well, it's been a year.

I'm no more pregnant today than I was then. We have some answers as far as why it's not working for us, but none of them are bolstering any confidence. In fact, they're pushing us farther away from optimism by the day. 

We have to start thinking about that word. That word that no happy couple thinks is them. That word that can't be me because I'm just too young. That word that doesn't mean anything to me because I'm the picture of health. 

The fucking word that I have been dreading but now, after a year, have to accept as one of the next possible realities. 

Infertility. 

There is a pretty good chance that it just won't happen for us.

We aren't at the point of wanting alternatives. We aren't looking at options yet. We aren't looking for treatments or miracle cures. 

We're just absorbing. 

And being angry. There is a lot of anger (at least on my part).

And as I feel like some days I'm just going to boil over with rage and start throat punching the universe, I'm also sitting here completely powerless. I feel like I can get everyone else's life in order, but mine will always been a disorganized train wreck of never getting what we want. I feel like it will always be a struggle because all we have known for the past 365 days is struggle. 

My husband tries to tell me that it could be worse and that there is so much good in our lives. I know he's right. It doesn't matter though. 

Most days I have peace, and I'm calm and easy going about it. I no longer regularly burst in to tears at another announcement of yet another beautiful baby. But on days like today, it still happens. 

Today, everything is raw. Everything is right at the surface. Everything is a reminder that we haven't and we might never.

Everything is everything all at once and sitting on my shoulders and reminding me that life may never be what I want.

I think I just have to get used to that feeling for a while.

So, here we go. 

It's hip to be square, kids. 

Here We Go

Last week, after nearly a week in the hospital and what felt like a million roadblocks, Doc finally had the procedure to implant the shunt in his brain that will drain the cerebral spinal fluid that has been sloshing around up there for who knows how long. 

Some things to note: 

1. If someone tells you no, and you aren't sure they're correct, ask why. Get opinions. Make a scene. If we had not done all of that, Doc never would have had the surgery that has changed his life. 

2. Doc is now bald. Like, totally. They shaved his head on one side for the shunt, so we shaved the other. He looks great bald. I'm totally amazed. He has now decided that he wants a beard. With any luck, he'll look like this: 

3. He goes back to work tomorrow. I am so nervous, and I think he is too. Some people have gone out of their way to help and make sure that things go smoothly tomorrow, but who knows how it will work out. I think he's tired of being bored, though, and he's ready to go back to work. 

4. I am thankful. So very thankful. He was miserable before. It was like someone stole the happy right out of his heart. He wants more out of life, and now that he is able to walk and stand freely on his own, I think he feels like he will get it. This brings me all the happy haps.

So, you know, here we go. Here's to my fingers crossed and things being better than before for him. He deserves all of it, and I'm so glad that we were persistent and didn't take no for an answer. He taught me to be a spitfire. I don't think he ever realized I would be using it to his advantage. 

As always, it's hip to be square (and determined!), kids. 

Do Me This One Favor

If I leave one impact on society, I will be more than happy for it to be this:

As a planet, can we please stop asking  married-without-children acquaintances when they're going to make babies?

It's an innocent question. It may even be a logical question. Lots of people get married and have babies. But similar to asking a woman who isn't pregnant when she's due, asking one who isn't pregnant when she's going to be could be pouring salt on a very open wound.

Maybe they don't want to have kids.

Maybe they haven't decided when they want kids.

Maybe they differ on how kids should be raised, and so they're waiting to grow as a couple before bringing a baby in to the world

Or maybe they've been trying for days or weeks or months or years and the whole process is terrifying and anxiety-inducing and you're reminding them how far they are away from actually getting there.

Maybe they just got bad news and are still trying to process it without being reminded of how much the world thinks that babies should be happening.

Maybe they know they can't have kids and they're trying to adopt but they aren't ready to share that with you yet.

Maybe you don't know or are forgetting how raw and vulnerable this process made you feel, and that's still just below the surface for them.

Maybe it's none of your effing business.

For the thousands of times that the question is totally innocent and elicits a giggle or an excited answer, there are a handful (and probably so many more) that send someone away in tears as a reminder that this process is not naturally on their side. If pregnant women and people with babies all around aren't a big enough reminder, the indication that your friends and family are disappointed in your process is overwhelming.

Don't make assumptions about what's next. If someone isn't coming up to you excited about a bun in the oven, you don't need to fish for more information than that. Maybe there's nothing, but the chance that you're going to nick a wound that might not ever heal is always there.

Do humanity a favor. Let them bring you information when they're ready for you to have it. If they don't, they're not ready.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

Lately

I have been incredibly absent from this space lately. It isn't my longest stretch without writing in my two years of managing this space, but it too long regardless.

The last couple of months have been, well, insane. I'll catalog it with a short list here and give you details in the later times. 

These are some of the things that have happened in the last few months

We are selling my parents house

We are in the process of buying them a new one

Husband's truck was in an accident and was in repair for a month

Husband never got the rental car and just used my car for a month (much to my inconvenience). 

Husband's motorcycle was hit while parked in the parking lot of his work

We began pondering whether it was time to sell our house

We started looking for another house

I started going to doctors trying to figure out what's wrong

Husband did the same

Husband has had problems at work

Oh, and Doc had life changing brain surgery that, knock wood, has thus far improved his quality of life. 

So it's just been... yeah. 

Thanks for sticking through it with me. If you're a Twitter pal and you've been checking in, I appreciate it so much. 

As always, it's hip to be square (and flipping exhausted), kids.