Things No One Tells You About Baby Making

If you got pregnant on your honeymoon or totally by accident, this post is not for you.

Also, I hate you.

Okay. Not really.

But kind of.

If you've never thought of having kids, this might be for you. If you are thinking about it, but you aren't sure, this might be for you. If you are actually going through the process, this might be for you.

If you're the Duggars, this is in no way, at all, ever, for you. Ever.

The acts required to make babies in a heterosexual relationship are supposed to be fun. They are awesome. They are supremely enjoyable.

If you are specifically doing the sex to make-a the babies, some of the recreation gets sucked out of it. What you're told in health class is that this shit is easy and happens to everyone all of the time.

To quote Mean Girls, "If you have sex, you will get pregnant and die. Here, take some rubbers."

And while I guess it can work like that, that's not been my experience. It has also not been the experience of a lot of the people I know.

Making babies is hard work, yo. They don't tell you that.

The following is the list of other things that certainly never occurred to me when we set out on this journey. I though it was "insert sperm, receive baby" all instantaneous like.

It isn't. It can be, but it often isn't. 

Obviously, these are my observations of things that I didn't know would happen. Maybe these only apply to me, but I like to believe that I am a representative of the entire world, and for that, I should be revered. 

You know, or some shit.

1- If you want to have a kid, you will spontaneously live your life by the calendar. You will pay attention to dates and number of days in your cycle and your fertile days and a bunch of other stuff that doesn't come up in health class. You'll know when they best days to get frisky are and when you're actually just doing it to have fun. If you want your sex life to seem at all unplanned, you're going to have to plan ahead to know what the best days to not plan your sex life are. It makes absolutely no sense unless you have been there, but I promise you that's how it works. 

2- That calendar that you now live by? It changes all the time. It can be off by a day or a week. You won't get warning that things are changing. They just will. Can you imagine if the regular calendar changed like that? One week has 10 days and another had 4 and another has 14 and just, fuck. You don't know how many days you work or how long the weekend is and does this change the day that Iron Man comes out because now I'm just confused? That's your life. You THINK your most fertile day is Tuesday but it actually turns out to be Friday. Why? 'Cause the universe said so and SCIENCE.

3- You have to deal with gooey substances even before you have a booger eater creating them. Just trust me. It's gross in a way that you totally get used to.

4- You will be disappointed. A ton. It blows. You will be disappointed because the night you should have sex, you're too tired or you had a cold. You will be disappointed because it takes longer to be successful than you want. You will be disappointed because your boobs hurt but they don't hurt because you're incubating a human. They hurt because your body is being a mother fucker. Your mind and body will play tricks on you because you want everything to mean that your pee stick will be positive. 

5- You will feel like a crazy person. You might even become a crazy person if you didn't start out that way.

6- You will be scared to eat and drink if you have the tendency to eat and drink as terribly as I do. I like soda. And cake. And I think vegetables are gross. You'll wonder if you're having too much sugar for a fetus who might not even exist yet. You'll wonder if you're creating a hyperactive nutter of a nonexistent child based on your caffeine intake. 

7- You will cry at movies with adorable kids. You'll swear it's because you're hormonal and knocked up. It could just be that kids are cute (sometimes). 

8- You'll hate some days. You'll get through them, too.

9- You will find a list of thousands of things that you are doing wrong that make this hard. You aren't doing anything wrong. This process is just fucking hard. 

10- You'll wonder if it is just better to get a puppy. I wonder that all the time. 

11- You will fight the urge to look at baby clothes and room decor. FIGHT IT. FIGHT IT WITH A PASSION.

12- You might get angry at the people around you who are successful as fetal incubating. It's cool. Just don't be a dick about it. They'll understand.

13- You will feel old. There aren't that many people who can be "on" for sex all of the time. Sometimes you have a long day at work and you can't muster the energy. Sometimes, you're just closed for business because your hoohaa is taking a holiday. Sometimes your husband is out mowing the lawn and wastes all of his energy on the shrubberies. If you are a grown ass adult, there will be days that just aren't good days. If you don't have those days, please tell me your secret. 

14- YOU WILL FEEL LIKE YOU ARE BEING FUCKED WITH ALL OF THE TIME AND NOT IN THE FUN WAY.

What things did you learn about baby making that no one told you?

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.