Goodnight My Someone

I wrote this yesterday and didn't post it.

I'm getting through the day regardless how hard it is because I have to and because it's what he would want. 

But today is really hard for more than one reason.

Late last night, I found out that a friend of mine who I had not spoken to for two or three years passed away. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer recently, and it took him very quickly. 

There was no nicer person on this earth. He was giving, caring, meek and funny. He was talented and understated. He was an amazing friend. 

In this time that I should be remembering him fondly, I am so angry at myself that I can't breathe. I was not the amazing friend to him that he always was to me. I have absolutely zero regrets in life except that I did not take the time to call him when I should have.

I did not know he was sick. He had been out-of-commision previously due to a back injury that would require several surgeries to fix, but he was not sick in any way that we expected to take him from us. They said he would be fine. I got busy with other things. I got busy with life and getting married and moving on from who I was when I knew him. I didn't mean to leave him and others behind. I just meant to grow up some.

A month ago, I had a whim to call him to check in. It had been well over two years since I had last talked to him or his partner. I just missed them. A majority of the people that they interact with were friends at one point but are no longer, and I felt like an outsider so I kept away. Still, I missed him and I wanted to know how he was doing. 

I realized I didn't have his phone number anymore, and I made a mental note to get it from a mutual friend.

That note apparently got erased. 

I never called. I never checked in. I can't ever check in again. I'm so mad at myself for being so wrapped up in this new person who I wanted to be that I didn't take the time to make room for people I never wanted to leave in the past. I could have had it both ways if I just tried. But I didn't. And now I can't.

It's just going to take a long time to be okay with it if it's even possible.

Sleep sweet, friend.